Epic-ness gone home...

I remember meeting Michael Smith for the first time. I like always was shy and coming to a new church with my dad when I was only 11-years-old, awkward, and nerdy seemed like the end of the world. My dad brought me to the old youth room (that doesn't look the same at all by the way) and called Michael over to meet me. Michael greeted me and wanted to know everything about me all at once. I was a little overwhelmed. I mean when I say I was shy... I WAS SHY... After a little bit he showed me to my Sunday School room. What I remember most about this meeting was that he came to check up on me after Sunday School. He wanted to develop a relationship with me and wanted to get to know me for me... not for the fact that my dad was Werner Aswell.

I will never forget those almost four years that he was my youth minister. Those were some great times. And like it was said at his funeral today, he had some sayings. I am not sure if I would say they were hilarious, but they were all his. On wednesday nights when it seemed as if we were drifting away, he would bring us back with... "focus, focus" in that accent of his. He was always saying "What up player?" to everyone.

I mean I can't leave out Cross Camp! Cross Camp was so much fun and I think that I really came into my own... but this would have never happened without Michael. I'll never forget our Dauphin Island adventure and how we had to come back without even getting to do any missions. But Michael didn't see it that way. And looking back I don't either. We developed good relationships during that time. I had some good mentors during that time. And even though I don't talk to most of them now, I credit Michael with putting these people in my life to teach me what I needed to know at that time. I will never forget the strong Christian women that were discipled by Michael and Kim that helped me to grow in Christ. Christy and Misty, Cindy, DeeAnn, JoEllen, the list goes on and on...

I will never forget that my sister, Kari, had the biggest crush on Michael and called him her boyfriend. She was only 5-years-old, but Michael even drew her in. She would run up to him on Sunday mornings and give him a hug. And I will never forget one day he told her... "I hope I have a little girl like you one day." That brings tears to my eyes.

What I remember most about him, however, was his passion for the Lord. When I think about Michael I think about the disciple Peter. Peter sometimes got into trouble for speaking out of turn or not thinking about what he was saying... but he was passionate about the Lord. Michael was our modern day Peter. One of Michael's sermons that I will never forget was about the verse in Revelation about God spewing us from his mouth if we were lukewarm. Michael said God will throw you up!!! Vomit you out. That mental image has always stuck in my mind since I was in Jr High. Michael said God would rather you be cold than riding the fence. There were so many praise songs we sang about this very verse and I believe this was one of the things he really wanted us to hammer into our hearts.

I am going to make a confession. I haven't spoken to Michael in some time. I saw him not too long ago at Christmas at New Chapel Hill. And yes he was the same Michael Smith that I will always remember. And you know what... he remembered me too. I haven't been the best Christian or necessarily been doing what I should be doing since I last saw Michael Smith. But through his death and funeral I have found a new awakening for the Lord. And I know Michael wouldn't have it any other way.

Poverty: Choice or Circumstance

Today we started Huddle again at work. I must admit I have never been totally devoted to the idea of Huddle. For those of you who don't know. We have a topic, we read about it, we discuss. Sometimes. LoL.

Well our topic today was on poverty. And I must admit I got sucked into the debate of two of our group members...

The question is poverty ever ok for our society? The debate when in such a way that I still don't know what my answer to that question is. I am a strong believer in a person's choice. And I get mad and frustrated at the government for continually taking our choice out of matters that are irrelevant to their concern. Examples of this would be wearing my seat belt, or wearing a helmet, or even health care. I should get to make choices in my life that matter to me.

So if a person is content with living in poverty and feel a normalcy with this should we try and change their perspective? If it is working for them, why should it matter to me. But then you have the second part of the debate. Are they really content? Sure people are going to say that they are, but are they really. If they are really happy why do impoverished areas have a higher criminal and jail rate, a higher child abuse rate, and higher domestic violence rates?

Lack of resources in a families life only continue to add stress to their current situation, which in turn increase these above situations to occur. If you don't have resources, you are going to use what you have regardless of the legality of the situation. You are going to do what you need to do... even if it's wrong... These people I don't believe can be content.

That being said I think I need to have a more open mind about it all together. I think that the answer to this question is that there isn't going to be an answer. Some families in poverty are content and are happy and don't have the above problems. And some aren't. That doesn't mean we don't need to help the ones that want our help, because some people do want our help. That also means the people that are fine in their current situation we shouldn't look down on because they don't fit into our preconceived notion of what is acceptable.

Life is what we make it... not what somebody else makes it for us...

Existentialism on Game Night

As some of you know I have moved from California back to the wonderful city of West Monroe over the last couple of months. I resumed my position at CASA as an advocate supervisor. Unfortunately, due to the extensive amount of loans that I have accumulated finishing my Master's degree, I also drive from West Monroe to Choudrant and watch my cousin. That being said I have a lot of time to think while I drive. I wish I had a tape recorder so I could record my thoughts because right now I have forgotten what I was thinking about on the way over here this morning.

I guess what I want to discuss is this idea of success. What is success and what does it mean? I think that I personally have become so consumed with this word and still do not really grasp the complete meaning of the word. Online there are two definitions of success that I liked. One is "an event that accomplishes its intended purpose" and "a state of prosperity or fame."

I feel that I don't think that I am successful because I am not achieving the second definition of the word. And for argument sake I like a majority of the population is not going to have fame in this world. Now I can achievement an accomplishment and everybody can... so why do I think that it is necessary to be famous... or to pretend that I am going to be famous one day... "It's just not going to happen!"

I hear about certain musicians such as Lady Gaga, Britney, you name them and think seriously.... They get to be famous for absolutely nothing... And don't get me wrong I don't want to be famous like them or even be a singer. I just want something more than I have. I know this is my human nature and my own selfishness is creeping in to make me want things that I am not going to get, but seriously... LADY GAGA!!!

I then feel convicted with I listen to Emery or LIfehouse and start to think about how I should just be grateful for a husband, a house, two puppies, my family, a job, etc. But it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough because we are not only born with this desire, the world we live in perpetuates our desire to always want more.

So when do I get my break? When do I get to do something that I want to do? Do I ever? Or am I going to have to live a mundane complacent existence until my life on this earth is over? Wanting it and trying for it just isn't enough. For some reason the only way you can get the second version of success is to 1. Be really good at what you are trying to do or 2. Know somebody or 3. Have a lot of money. I don't have any of these.

I feel convicted for feeling this way but Christ calls us to be honest and I am trying to be honest regardless of what others may think. At least I am letting it all out there instead of letting it consume me or I am trying to....

If we can't get to where we want then I guess the existentialists had it correct when they stated that Life is meaningless.... LIfe does seem that way to me right now...

I'll be back...

I haven't wrote in a while. I will write soon. Not like anybody is reading this or anything. Hopefully be back soon....

Seriously?

Seriously?

I mean I don't know how much more of this I can take. I came out to California because I thought this was God's will and everything came into place. Then we ran out of money and couldn't afford stuff anymore. So we moved back. I was stuck at Chick-fil-A for a long time. I hated it. It was miserable. Then we had to live with my parents and I had to work at a crappy paraprofessional job. Then luckily I did get a fantastic job at CASA, but I couldn't finish this degree that God wanted me to get in Louisiana without losing $30,000 and all the hours I accumulated vanished. So I had to come back out here to California, but that couldn't be easy could it. I had to live out here by myself for almost an entire year. And now I don't even like counseling very much. I have become less empathetic about people's problems and my biggest strength has vanished into thin air. People annoy me and just need to get over it. I don't even like doing this anymore. And now, after I decide to give up on everything and I think that we are going to get a house. Finally a step in the right direction and poof! We can't afford a $61000 house when we both have masters degree. What the crap? I can't get a job b/c the degree I tried to get in California doesn't match Louisiana standards. I can't stay in California because the economy has gone to crap.

So now I have a masters, Jeffrey has a masters, and we will be living with my parents in a room in Calhoun, LA with a baby whom my dogs hate. I will have to work at Chick-Fil-A which is really ridiculous.

I have no dreams or aspirations anymore because in all reality it doesn't matter what I want does it. No it doesn't matter at all. Life Sucks and there is nothing that you can do about it.

May 12, 2010

Hello everybody,

My name is Emily and I wanted to find an avenue to get my creative animosity out. I feel like there are things that are going on in my life that I just need to write about in order to make me a more happier me. I am a counselor... I should probably start taking my own advice. So I will be writing on here periodically. I would love feedback, but be prepared most people aren't going to like what I have to say. I have become a bit cynical in my 27 years and my randomness sometimes gets away from me, but opinions are welcome. Just don't get upset with me about mine and don't take anything I say personally. Until later.... bye! :)